Today I was published at The Daily Blank, Chicago’s only satire site that focuses on local issues.
For your enjoyment I’ll paste the entire article below, because their licensing allows it. Enjoy! …And I have one more piece in the queue, so look out.
Daley to ‘pull an Obama’ to fund CPS
In two about-face moves Tuesday, Chicagoans banded together to stand up to the Daley administration, and the Mayor decided to listen to the majority voice of the people.
Following a protest, Mayor Richard M. Daley issued an edict that every corporate executive who had received preferential treatment under the TIF program would voluntarily cut his or her income by 90 percent.
The mayor did not say what the consequences would be if said executives disobeyed, except that “the shit will hit the fan,” he told the throngs of cheering lower-middle-class people before him.
The Obama administration recently announced that top employees of the seven companies receiving the most bailout money would cut their cash pay by 90 percent. All would be forced to cut their total pay by at least 50 percent, several media outlets reported.
Prompted by recent news of extreme inequality in Chicago Public Schools, almost a million Chicagoans dressed in black and wore masks of Guy Fawkes, a British revolutionary, to march on City Hall Tuesday morning.
At press time it was unclear just how the masses coordinated the sit-in.
The mayor stood on City Hall’s green roof for much of the forty-two minutes during which protesters had the building surrounded. At the end of the standoff, Daley gave up and came outside with a laptop and projector.
“I hear you,” Daley said over the din. “This is your city, not mine.”
He proceeded to project a hastily-arranged PowerPoint onto the side of city hall, diagramming exactly what actions he would take, down to the dollar.
The program goes as follows:
• All CPS schools would receive equal spending-per-pupil. To accomplish this, the higher spenders’ budgets would be cut marginally, while the lower spenders’ budgets would be drastically inflated.
• Money would come largely from the $1 billion “shadow budget” of TIF money said to be in the hands of the Mayor. Any executive who refused to cut his or her pay will lose TIF support.
• Mick Dumke and Ben Joravsky of the Chicago Reader would become co-chairs of a new department, called the Department of Uber Accountability.
Once the throngs cleared from the downtown area, officials noticed they had left behind several items of mob paraphernalia, including torches, pitchforks and 800,000 plastic masks.
“You had better believe that we’re gonna recycle these,” said Suzanne Malik-McKenna, commissioner of Chicago’s Department of Environment. “Put the word down the chain,” Malik-McKenna told a woman to her left.