So my second satire piece was published today on The Daily Blank. Once again, I’ll repost the entire article here because their license allows it. But check ’em out some time—whether you live in Chicago or not, there’s something there for you.

 

Pyramid schemes help to alleviate Chicago unemployment

Bars, movie theaters, grocery stores, pyramid schemes. Some businesses tend to weather economic downturns particularly well—but it’s pyramid schemes that take more Chicagoans out of poverty and into prosperity, a new study finds.

According to a study that preferred to be unnamed for fear of retribution—pyramid schemes have been known to viciously pursue litigation—Chicagoans are beginning work with these types of companies at ever-increasing rates.

The schemes confirm that they exist for the same reason any other business exists—to be “awesome” for their employees.

“I’m Hispanic and it’s in our DNA to want to provide for our families,” said Manuel Gonzales, an employee of a pyramid scheme whose leader is based in Chicago. “What I do allows me to do that, certainly monetarily and also with time. I only work 10 to 15 hours a week.”

According to the study, many Chicagoans who reported they recently left unemployment also reported they now make salaries of several hundred thousand dollars. (Caution: these results are not scientific. NBC’sDateline has found employees of pyramid schemes occasionally lie about salaries and working conditions to promote their organizations.)

“What are your values?” Gonzales said. “Whatever they are, we help you keep them while working with us.”

Organizations such as Better World Shopper and GoodGuide, whose purpose is to determine the social and environmental responsibility of companies, have not rated pyramid schemes. This means, in fact, that these organizations have not rated pyramid schemes negatively.

Martha Johnson, an Irving Park resident, has enjoyed her time working for a Chicago pyramid scheme.

“I tried searching Craigslist for jobs,” Johnson said. “I found a few Gold Coast residents who wanted to pay me $25 an hour to do their shopping, but after I gave them all my information, they never got back to me. I figured it was probably a scam, so I decided to go with a pyramid scheme instead. Now I’ll never have to worry about jobs or money again.”

Scheme insiders say that rather than using impersonal means like Craigslist, they prefer recruiting employees in the traditional way—by prowling in corner coffee shops.

“We look for people who appear ambitious but unemployed,” Gonzales said. “There are a lot of those nowadays. We’re working to change that.”

More information is available about pyramid schemes online.